Author's Note: I'm not quiet sure what inspired this story but I thought it would be cool to see into the mind of a killer. The main character in this story hates law enforcement officers because they killed his mom when he was young. This is complete fiction. I'm not some psychotic killer or anything.
Light explodes into the dim apartment as the door is kicked open by men in dark blue uniforms. As I was three I didn't understand what was going on so I started crying. The cruel men looked me in the eyes and continued in farther looking for my mother. Gunshots filled the air and were closely followed by screams. Tears filled my eyes as my mother's lifeless body fell to the ground, gun in hand. Here white dress was stained red with her blood. She looked at me and told me that she was sorry that she failed me as a mother. This was the start of my career.
Eternal satisfaction lies in revenge against the ones that have wronged. Seeing the fear in their eyes and hearing their muffled screams. Watching them try to escape is incredibly amusing. They think they thought of something brilliant, but when they fail the disappointment in their eyes is stunning. Most realize that the end is coming and see that it's futile to resist, but some fight to the very end. Those few people are the most fun. I enjoy making them fight and dance. They call me sick and psychotic but nobody but me knows the real truth. I'm the only normal person in this town. Everybody else is insane. As I slit their throats I always whisper "It's okay Mama you'll be better soon". She is so proud of me.
Cops are the essence of evil. They are always shooting innocent people and getting away with it. They always look so proud in their little uniforms. Until I come along of course. Blue uniforms turn red and smiles to screams. Nobody will ever catch me because I am smarter than all of them. They always become part of my collection eventually. This time is different though. There are lots of people to kill and now the F.B.I is involved because they have labeled me a serial killer. With more people I have more bodies, and with more bodies I have more skin to harvest from them and attach to my mom to help make her better.
One of my favorite hobbies is looking out the window and seeing people on the streets so frightened. They jump at any little noise and are extremely paranoid. I have seen seven moving trucks leaving this place since I started killing people. This little dog I have loves to chase people and when they walk by the alley near my house. Oh, the way they scream is wonderful! Many people won't even come near my house any more.
I have been watching the F.B.I. headquarters and know that the leader of the "team" is renting an apartment three blocks away. He always carries a gun with him so this could be interesting. Waiting by some homeless people around a can fire I waited until twilight. Homeless people are quite interesting. This guy walked by slowly and watched our every move. He continued on and I slipped behind him. Being a "serial killer" has advantages. Drawing a sharpened umbrella, I stab him in the kidney. Grabbing, his mouth muffle the scream and politely tell him "If you make a sound I cut your lips off". Struggling to get away he kicks my knee and begins to limp-run away.
That's a very unique story, and one I don't think anybody else in the class would dare to right. I thought you had a very good voice going throughout the whole piece. The only problem was you had some sentences that were roughly the same length several times in a row. Other than that, I thought it was a good job.
ReplyDeleteThis is a really cool story, and like Brad said, I don't think anyone else (well, I might, but that's just me) would dare to write something as dark as this. The mood, setting, and progression was really good, the only thing I can see is just a few sentence/grammar type errors, but none of it distracted from the actual piece. It was really fun to read, so very nice job.
ReplyDeleteThis could be taken as an insult or a compliment, but rest assured I mean the later when I say this does seem like it was written from the perspective of a crazy killer. Especially the way the main character thinks he's the only one who's sane. It was well written, though I think there may have been a few too many 'because's. Using 'because' a lot can sometimes make a character sound a bit childish. Unless you want the character to sound childish, in which case the 'because's are fine. Nice job either way.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with Alaina and Brad. There were very few errors in the piece and the ones that were there didn't effect the readability. I personally would have liked the story to go a little longer because it seemed like you were telling us all about the F.B.I. and the "leader" moving into an apartment three blocks away but never got to actually what happened with that. I think a "sequel" you might say would go nice with this. Like an add on to this story in a new post and go on with the F.B.I. idea. I really liked this piece and you are a very good fiction writer. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteThank you everybody, and I will take what you have said into consideration. Chandler, one of my goals when I was writing this was to leave people hanging and even provoke them. Maybe I should make another one... I'll think about it.
ReplyDeleteWhat I found most interesting was the way you took this man's state of mind and transformed it into him thinking everything was right. How he thinks is completely different than anything else. And how you portray this thought is what I find fascinating.
ReplyDeletePersonally, Derek, this state of mind doesn't seem that far off from your normal state. Not that you'd kill anyone, but crazyish is kind of your style. The only question I have is: why a sharpened umbrella? So you can Mary Poppins yourself to your next kill? Other than that it's pretty good.
ReplyDeleteI thought it was really fascinating how you made the man think that he was the only sane, when the reader totally knows this gut is crazy. I also really liked how you made the character think that everything he's doing is right, and in most stories the main characters are the good guys and everybody loves them, but you made me kind of hate your main character, and pity him at the same time, and I thought was really cool. I wish you would have continued farther with this piece and the FBI cop as the end was kind of sudden. Besides that it was very good.
ReplyDeleteThat was really interesting! Was it easy for you to just write like this? You did a really good job with voice and symbolism! I know you said that leaving people hanging was one of your writing goals but I really wish you would write more! Good job!
ReplyDeleteThis was such a unique piece. I loved it and definitely think that you should continue on with it. The piece was descriptive and well written. You are definitely a really good fiction writer. Please attempt to continue this piece because I really want to see what happens next!
ReplyDeleteI thought that this was deffinitly something you would wright. It seems to go along with your personality and is a really interesting and refreshing to read. I agreed with everyone when they said that only you would wright it and I deffinitley think you need to make a sequal.
ReplyDeleteI would really like to know what would happen next....so you did a really good job at leaving people hanging. Even though the story was I bit odd, I really liked it. You did a really good job being descriptive.
ReplyDeleteThis was really good and really creepy at the same time. I liked that you did something out of the ordinary by writing in the perspective of the killer. It really left me hanging at the end, and I think you should definitely write a sequel to it!
ReplyDeleteI was remembering about when I wrote this story and I remembered that I wrote this way earlier in the year while I had a concussion. So I did have a little help being delusional because I was really messed up at that time.
ReplyDeleteI loved reading this story! Whenever reading something that's good vs. evil, I never get to read the villain's or supposed villain's perspective. Nice work! It was a very interesting piece to read!
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